Long time, no speak

15 Nov

It’s been a while.  It’s sad to me how much I’ve let Williston get the better of me as it has these past six months.  I’ve been too depressed, stressed out, and ashamed to write anything.  I’ve been on a path that resembles a downward spiral.  I was in a relationship that I relied on for generating 100% of my happiness, I went back to an office job – which I hated, and I was not quite homeless but never had a stable place to live and broke for most of the past six months.  It starts to weigh on you.   

Last weekend I had a “come to Jesus” moment with myself.  I decided I needed to get out of the relationship I was in or change it drastically.  So I moved out.  It was unhealthy for me in a lot of ways.  I let being with him consume my every thought.  I stopped planning to start my own business.  I almost moved back to Michigan several times.  I lost myself in it and as a result I lost my way and purpose for coming to North Dakota in the first place.  We had a lot of issues, some his fault, some mine.  But I had to step back from this relationship because unfortunately love isn’t always enough to make it work.  I have to get a better handle on me and keep it!   If we’re ever going to rebuild and make it in the future, it was necessary to take a step back.  I love him, more than I’ve ever loved anyone aside from my family.  He is my family.  But there are some things that need to happen before we can make that leap.  Although it’s only been less than a week and I miss him so much it hurts, I know it’s the right thing for me. For us.  We have some growing up to do and we both need to get ourselves together before we can make “us’ work together.  

I also quit my office job last week.  I had only been there two weeks and I just knew that I couldn’t do it.  I felt like I was dying in that box staring at a screen all day.  Every minute I spend working for someone else, I’m not working on my own business.  After this weekend, I just said enough is enough.  I take the Hofstee Manifesto to heart.  “If you don’t like your job, then quit”.  I was wasting energy on something that was not going to fulfill me but do the opposite.  Suck my energy dry.  This week I reopened my business plan for the first time since March.  And it feels amazing! 

I’ve felt lost before. It doesn’t help that Williston throws a lot of huge roadblocks at you.  I’ve been on a roller coaster ride since July;  Homeless – we moved three times in one month, multiple job changes, fighting with my significant other all of the time. I let these things bring me down.  It seems that I continually forget that I’m going to have to work hard each and everyday for the life that I want.  It’s never going to get easy but I have to stay positive and just keep moving forward.   I have to admit this has been the hardest year of my life.  But with these experiences always comes learning.  I’m still determined to take control of my life and to live each day as I want it.  To make my life a true and authentic one.  I don’t want to have any regrets.

I am on the mend.  I’ve moved in with a couple that I respect immensely, both professionally and personally.  It’s a stable environment and they are very positive and uplifting people.  I’m still trying to see if I can make this relationship work but instead of it consuming my life and trying so hard to make it work, I am not going to over think it. It is what it is.  Regardless of what happens, we’ll still love each other very much. But I alone am responsible for my own happiness.  I cannot blame other people or my circumstances.  There are always reasons, but never excuses.  I am back to write about whatever, anything and everything.  I’m not going to hold back.  I’m not going to censor myself anymore.  I really hope you enjoy the blogs but if not, oh well.  I’m doing this for me now. Just as I should have been always doing, I suppose. But I’m going to leave you with this, the Hofstee Manifesto. It’s times like these that I read and re-read this document several times.  Life is simple, people.  We only get one shot.  We can do this!  Image


3 Responses to “Long time, no speak”

  1. Kristalann Foley November 15, 2013 at 6:58 pm #

    “Keep on, keepin on” girlfriend. Your words inspire me. And this post really hit the spot for me. I hope things start coming together like you always planned. See you on Sunday

  2. Keith Tondreau November 16, 2013 at 9:57 am #

    Ashley, you are strong , smart and resourceful. In or out of a relationship you need to “set boundaries” for your happiness. you have taken that step.I only wish I was as brave as you to get into that ship and setoff for unknown shores. go discover that unknown county that is the island of you!

  3. Mike Post November 16, 2013 at 12:03 pm #

    Cuz, YOU F**KIN ROCK!!! Sry you have had a rough past cpl months, but YOU of anyone, can get through this!! Love You Cuz!!! Miss ya…xoxo

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